Making Plans Is Such Good Fun

I am now going to jinx the future of this blog by making all kinds of plans for it.

In the future this blog will (probably) be divided into these sections:

1. Galveanstyle: All the random nonsense about my daily life and general reader-abuse will go here.

2. ZOMG, BOOKS!11!11!: This is where I do some, erm, light blogging about my adventures in bookland. Afterthoughts, gushing recommendations and angry rants will be found here.

3. Life? What life?: Where I blog about games, anime, manga, movies, and entertainment in general.

4. Galveantales: Where all other fiction go to worship, and then die from utter shame.

Watch all these plans crumble into a million pieces before they are even set into motion. The power of procrastination compels you!

I Can't Believe It... It's Me!

Yes, it's been more than a year since my last post. A year and a month, to be precise. A lot has happened, and I won't go into details because 1) I'm lazy like that and 2) your mind will totally asplode at the sheer awesomeness of it all if I do.

On second thought, I don't give a fig about your sanity. Here's a bunch of lists about books, books and more books that will hopefully bore you to tears before driving you mad.

List of books I've read in 2006, in no particular order:

1. Master and Margarita
2. Alice in Wonderland
3. Through the Looking Glass
4. I, Robot
5. The Prestige
6. Three Men in a Boat
7. A Clash of Kings
8. A Storm of Swords I
9. A Storm of Swords II
10. A Feast for Crows
11. The Horse Whisperer
12. Lolita
13. A Confederacy of Dunces
14. A Clockwork Orange
15. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
16. Song of the Lioness Quartet (4 books)
20. The Earthsea Quartet (4 books)
24. Hyperion
25. On the Road
26. Mixed Magics
27. The Magicians of Caprona
28. Witch Week
29. Conrad's Fate
30. Black Maria
31. The Lives of Christopher Chant
32. Metamorphosis
33. The Turn of the Screw
34. Kafka on the Shore
35. The Opal Deception
36. The Mediator
37. Which Witch?
38. Seize the Day
39. Cat Stories
40. Freakonomics
41. Sophie's World
42. The Gods Themselves
43. The 5 People You Meet in Heaven
44. The Alchymist
45. Middlesex

List of books I've bought but have not read:

1. The Count of Monte Cristo (about 20 pages in)
2. The Illuminatus! Trilogy
3. Foucault's Pendulum
4. Thus Spake Zarathustra (about 12 pages in)
5. A Tale of Two Cities
6. Brave Story (Japanese)
7. The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi (Japanese)

List of books I need to buy:

1. Three Men on a Bummel
2. Sir Apropos of Nothing
3. 1984
4. Animal Farm
5. The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde
6. The Brothers Karamazov
7. Crime & Punishment
8. War & Peace
9. As I Lay Dying
10. 100 Years of Solitude
11. Midnight's Children
12. The Death of Ivan Ilych
13. Syrup
14. House of Leaves
15. The Devil Wears Prada
16. Ender's Shadow
17. Moby Dick
18. The Stranger
19. The Trial
20. The Wind-up Bird Chronicles
21. Peter Pan in Scarlet
22. The Pinhoe Egg
23. If on a Winter's Night a Traveller
24. The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
25. To Say Nothing of the Dog
26. Gravity's Rainbow
27. Infinite Jest
28. Germs and Steel
29. A Short History of Nearly Everything
30. The Complete Sherlock Holmes Collection
31. Waiting for Godot & Endgame

In conclusion: I fell 5 books short from my 50 Books A Year challenge for 2006. In my defense the idea for the challenge only hit me around September, and time was against me. During my one week summer holiday I actually read 5 books in as many days, and nearly went blind. I kid you not. By the 3rd day I was actually long-sighted, and had to read without my glasses and with the book about an inch from my face. It was terrible. Well, not really. I just wanted to say it. Say "It was terrible", I mean. It wasn't that terrible. Still. The "almost went blind" part is true, though.

Will I be able to read 50 books in 2007? WILL THE MOON FINALLY TURN INTO CHEESE? Only Time can tell, but unfortunately I accidentally murdered Time by feeding him mouldy cheese when he came over to visit last year, so at present no one can tell. It saddens me to think of it still. It was good cheese, dammit.

Well, here's to a wonderful year for all of us. For me, especially. I don't really care about you. Who the heck are you anyway, and why are you reading this? Don't you have anything better to do? You know, like giving me books. For free. I need books. Come now, give me books. You know you want to, whoever you are. The world will be a much better place when everyone starts making a habit of giving me books. Don't you want to make the world a better place?

Tsk, people these days.

Everybody Loves Artpad

...I think. Well, at least I love it. And since Galvea's word is law, everybody is now required to love Artpad as well. Or else.

There's a rather random and completely pointless incident I've wanted to blog about for ages, but it's just not that funny (or at all) when put down in words. So here it is, in Artpad form. I R t3h 130n4rd0 d4 v1nc1!!!111!! Fear my Artpad skillz!

http://artpad.art.com/?iqu27i4jn7c

True story, I swear it.

SPOILERS AHEAD: READ ONLY AFTER WATCHING THE ARTPAD
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I actually started stalking the monkey afterwards, but my plans were foiled by some random neighbour taking a most inopportunely-timed stroll. I hoped he'd just walk past and leave me to my monkey-stalking, but he no doubt wondered what I was doing standing in the middle of the road doing nothing and struck up a conversation with me.

After the completely inane conversation with that random stranger I didn't even know, I looked around for the monkey and it was gone. Gone. I don't believe you understand me here. IT WAS GONE. GONE WITH THE NEIIIIIGHBOOUUUUR.

Damn. There goes my plan of producing the world's first Drunk Flaming Ninja Pirate Monkey.

The Anti-Galvean-Blogging Conspiracy

A.K.A. Galvea's Insane Ramblings

Yes, I'm still alive. No, I'm not on the run from the mafia, the FBI or extra-terrestial salesmen. I haven't killed anybody. At least not anyone important. And last I heard, repeatedly stabbing someone with a blunt spork does not constitute killing.

This blog hasn't been updated much simply because I got hit by a writer's block of brick, thrown out of an apartment window while I was soliciting the advice of a lamp post below. Them crazy apartment-dwelling writers. Consequently, the hit to the head gave me about 4 months' worth of nerve-wrecking sanity and utter boredom. Life has been conspiring against me. Damn you, life.

Most unfortunately for you, my long-suffering reader, this current peace of mind respite from the otherwise continuous massacre of brain cells on my site lack of insanity will not last long. NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) has arrived, you see, and I plan on uploading every letter of my should-be >50,000-word crackfic chocolate-induced stream of conscious insanity novel here. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Why? Because I care about you, of course.

I haven't the slightest idea what I'll be writing about yet. A longer, infinitely more retarded intellectually-challenged version of my crackfics, maybe. Wait, what am I talking about? It has to be.

Here comes the million dollar in deficit question: Would reading a nonsensical >50,000-word story, of which a considerable percentage is made up of pronouns because I like leaving characters nameless, lead to dementia? Because bringing out the craziness in people is like, the ultimate purpose of my life. While we're at it, my ultimate ULTIMATE purpose in life is to enjoy chocolate ice-cream whenever I can. Mmm, chocolate.

Next update will probably mark the start of my award-repelling novel. It'll most likely be completely nonsensical and absolutely pointless, so don't say I didn't warn you. It'll most likely be rated PG-13 w/ nail-bat as well (y'know, for explicit scenes involving a frightening lack of sanity and graphic distortion of reality), so if you aren't 13 and/or don't have a nail-bat, please steer clear of the vicinity. Otherwise I'll have to shoot you with a taser gun over standard TCP/IP, and while I can do it because I make the impossible possible, the innarnet (along with the world as we know it) will probably explode and you don't want that, do you?

In other news: Besides all that hubbub about Mars being really close to Earth and all, Venus is especially bright these few days as well. You might be able to see it even before the sun goes down. Ain't that spiffy?

In other-other news: After two afternoons which may or may not have involved hot-blooded mountain bear wrestling, I am now a Level 1 Cookie Baker. With this skill I am now capable of baking peanut/chocolate cookies without accidentally poisoning myself. On a side note, if The Sims is any indication of reality, my kitchen stove now has a 50% chance of catching fire. Obviously the only solution to this is to immediately commission a swimming pool in my backyard for me to jump into in case my house burns down around me. While I'm at it, I must remember to place a snackbar and a floating bed in the middle of the pool, because hunger and exhaustion will inevitably lead to an incredibly ridiculous and anticlimactic watery death. True story. Happened to one of my Sims my friend's cousin's uncle's postman's daughter's dog's sibling's owner's nephew-twice-removed's flower pot.

I might advance to Level 2 Cookie Baker someday. I'm not too keen on it, to be honest, since the requirements involve a) teaching an Amazonian alligator how to tapdance and b) winning a cross-(snow)country race against a penguin. And damn are those penguins fast.

It's All About The Movies

Hell hath frozen over.

Who woulda thought I'd be compared to Britney and Paris Hilton on the subject of motherhood, of all things?

No, Satan, I don't care about your really spiffy, totally rad, brand spanking new frozen lava rink - is that even possible - and no, you may not have my ice-skates. Those are my rollerblades you're holding - no, no, they are NOT the same - yes, I'm absolutely sure - put that pitchfork down, you're gonna poke somebody's eye out - FOR THE LAST TIME, THOSE ARE NOT ICE-SKATES DAMMIT!

Now that I've shown Satan and his nasty oversized fork out the door, let's move on to really EXCITING things, like, you know, like, erm... what I've been up to! Yeah! CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?! I SURE CAN!

~Galvea's Totally Rad And Somewhat Dubious Account Of Her Spiffy Adventures In Life, The Universe, And Movie Theatres~

A.K.A.

We apologize for the longass title.

July/August = Movie fest. Movies I've watched in the past month:

H2G2
Madagascar
Batman Begins
War of the Worlds
Mr and Mrs Smith

ZOMG, HOW EXCITING! I brought a towel to H2G2, a nice, big, blue-and-white (or white-and-blue... does it matter?) towelly towel totally screaming of towellishness. You know, a towel's towel. A towel among towels. THE TOWEL. MY TOWEL.

At first I merely folded it over my arm, you know, like the way waiters do it. Except they do it with napkins, I guess. Then I realized it wasn't attracting enough attention. People weren't looking at me as though I was an asylum escapist. SOMETHING HAD GONE WRONG! I HAD FAILED! OH, THE TRAGEDY! THE INJUSTICE! HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE MY INSANITY?!

So I draped the towel around my shoulders, which instantly awarded my towel with 500 points of towellishness, thus propelling it into an entirely new level of awesomeness. In fact, my Awesome Towel Lv. 2 was so awesomely awesome the popcorn guy couldn't stop laughing the whole time I was at the popcorn counter. SUCCESS!

Come to think of it... what's the diff between a beach towel and a regular towel? Do beach towels have some sort of anti-sand force field or something? Or maybe you're supposed to use beach towels as mats - I see beach-goers lying on their towels all the time. Or maybe beach towels look prettier. You know, so you can impress the babes ("Hey, you sexy thing -- check out my towel!" or "Ooooh! That hunk over there has one helluva hot... towel!"). Who needs a pretty towel at home? Unless you're planning on impressing the dude/dudette in the bathroom mirror, of course.

After H2G2 I had to rush to a different theatre hall to catch Madagascar. Believe it or not, Madagascar actually made me cry a little, so it was fortunate that I had my trusty towel with me. I didn't blow my nose into it or anything though - that would be beyond disgusting.

Bruce's backstory in Batman Begins, on the other hand, turned me into a crying mess. War of the Worlds got a sniffle or two out of me at one point in the movie, but it wasn't as bad as BB. BB made me extremely glad that a) I was watching the movie alone and b) the seat next to me was empty. I'm pretty sure that had anyone been in that empty seat, I would have freaked them out with my seemingly random crying.

Mr and Mrs Smith - no crying, thankfully. I grinned like an idiot for about 90% of the movie though (hey, it was a fun movie!), and I think the girl sitting to my left (the aisle was on my right) kept stealing glances at me, for some bizarre reason. I can only think of a few possibilities:

a) Idiotic grinning is just as unnerving as random crying.
b) I had hotdog-topping stains on my face I didn't know about.
c) Said hotdog-topping stains were glow-in-the-dark.
d) She was planning on stealing my hotdog. HOW DARE SHE?!
e) I look like Angelina Jolie when in a dark theatre-- Now, put that gun down, I was just joking, sheesh...
f) She was attracted to me.
g) Brad Pitt was sitting in the aisle right next to me and I didn't know it.
h) It was all in my head.

The random glances didn't bother me. Really. What bothered me was her complete inability to watch the movie in silence for more than 2 minutes. It wasn't a particularly difficult film to understand, but somehow she had deemed it her mission in life to reconfirm every single plot detail and dialogue with her friend (who returned her enthusiasm with equal passion). It went something like this:

Brad Pitt does _____.

Girl A: Did he just _____?
Girl B: I think so.

Angelina Jolie says something.

Girl B: Did she just say ______?
Girl A: Yeah, she did.

Something amusing happens.

Girl A: OMG! Did you see that?!
Girl B: Yeah! Hahahahaha!

Me: *seething* Press RED button to switch off commentary... press RED button to switch off commentary...

To quote from John Smith (Brad Pitt) in the movie: Holy Jesus, Mother of God. I find it strange that it's justified for people to be pissed off when someone starts talking on his cell in the middle of a movie, yet chattering away with your friend(s) is completely A-OKAY. I swear, if those girls had been on their cells instead of talking to each other everyone would have SHUSH'd them pronto. They didn't seem to think they were being a bother either; they sure as heck didn't drop their voices during some of the quieter scenes. I bet people three rows away could eavesdrop on their conversation without any difficulty, and that's saying something - there were only about 10 rows of seats.

I wish I could say ninjas raided the theatre half-way through the movie and dragged the girls off to never-neverland, but it didn't happen. Dangit. Where are the ninjas when you need 'em?!

And now for a breakdown of the movies I've watched, simply because I love boring the crap out of my readers.

H2G2
Liked: The theme song.
Disliked: The actors and the script.
Favourite scene(s): The opening, "Original idea" and "Earth Mk II".
Misc: I was the only one left in the theatre hall when the extra stuff was shown during the credits.

Madagascar
Liked: Everything about it.
Disliked: The length of the movie. It should be a crime to produce movies less than 2 hours long.
Favourite scene(s): "National Geographic" and "Olympic theme".
Misc: Made me cry. Awwwwwwww.

Batman Begins
Liked: Just about everything.
Disliked: The villain's plan, which suffered from I-make-things-too-complicated-for-my-own-good syndrome and the really ugly BatTANK.
Favourite scene(s): "Bruce's backstory", "They're Europeans" and "Bloody log".
Misc: Turned me into a human tap during the first half. The fighting scenes in the second half bored me - I kept zoning out near the end.

War of the Worlds
Liked: The (depressingly) accurate portrayal of human nature -- the car-jack scene in particular.
Disliked: Robbie.
Favourite scene(s): "y halo thar humans", "Everybody wants a ride", "Plane survivor?" and "Hushabye Mountain".
Misc: Sailormoon and Hero Weed appeared in the credits.

Mr and Mrs Smith
Liked: EVERYTHING!
Disliked: Nothing.
Favourite scene(s): "Therapy session I and II", "I got lucky", "The dance II" and "Domestic fight".
Misc: Latin-y jazz should be used in films more often. John Powell, I salute you.

So... yeah. There you have it. My shoddy excuse for not updating in nearly a month. I -I can't help it! Ze moo-vees! Zey arr tay-keeng oh-varr mai lie-ff!!

Erm. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, anyone?

On Dealing With Felines -Side Story-

Why, oh why, do I even bother trying to get cats to do my bidding? What's the point of it all? [/Marvin]

It is almost impossible to extricate cats from your room.

When cats want to be in your room, there ain't no kicking them out. Observe.

Cats outside door: MEOW MEOW MEOW WE WANT TO COME IN MEOW MEOW!
Me inside room: I'm not listening! Nyanyanyanyanyanya! Lalalalala!
Cats outside door: MEOW MEOW MEOW OPEN THE DOOR DAMN YOU MEOW MEOW!
Me inside room: Lalalalalalalalalala~
Cats outside door: MEOW MEOW MEOW *beep*'in *beep* *beep* MEOW MEOW!

I open the door to protect what is left of my sanity. The cats rush in as though there's free pizza in the room and strut around looking all important. After sniffing about and finding that there is, in fact, no free pizza, they fall into their daily routine of "sit on everything that looks remotely fragile", "claw at everything that looks remotely expensive" and "shred everything that looks remotely important". After 10 minutes of this insanity I try to kick them out.

Me: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! OUT! OUT, ALL OF YOU!

I open the door and, using my awesome powers of Glarification(TM), attempt to send them out. Unfortunately, the cats counter with LadidaMakeMefication(TM). The Force is strong with them.

Enraged, I start to throw them out one by one.

Me: *picks up Cat A, opens the door and chucks him out*
Cat A: HEY!
Me: *picks up Cat B, opens the door and chucks him out*
Cat A: *dashes in while the door is open*
Cat B: HEY!
Me: ARGH!! *picks up Cat A, opens the door and chucks him out*
Cat B: *dashes in while the door is open*
Cat A: HEY!
Me: @#$)(#*$)(@#!!!!!
Cat C: *chews on my assignment*
Me: STOP THAT!
Cat B: *runs off to scale my curtains while I'm distracted*

The mayhem continues. Somewhere else in the world a squirrel sprouts horns after digesting radioactive substances. A fight breaks out in a bar over a piece of mouldy cheese. People die. These happenings may or may not have any direct correlation with the ongoing chaos in my room. They are, however, completely irrelevant to this story.

Me: STOP IT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! NOW!!!

The cats respond to my BURNING ANGER(TM) by chasing after invisible cheese.

Me: FINE! FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY! I'M LEAVING!

I open the door to leave.

Cat A: *dashes into the room while the door is open*
Me: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrgggggghhqqprqerouiaogtjlakjgwtfbbq *gets an aneurism*

Conclusion:

Don't fight with cats. You can never win, so why bother?

How To Impress Girls

~A Galvean Exclusive~

Tired of being a walking girl-repellent? Wanna be popular with the ladies? Then you've come to the riiiiiiiiight place! Sweep girls off their feet with your awesome charm TODAY!

*Warning label: Mild side effects include depression, low self-esteem, insanity, general creepiness and loss of life. Approved by the Health Ministry.*

1. Be Desperate

Girls just loooooooooove desperate guys. In fact, girls love them SO much they instantly play hard to get! And we all know that when a girl plays hard to get, it means she's interested in you, right? RIGHT!

Here's a good example:

Desperate Guy: hi!!!!!!!
Girl: Erm. Hi.
Desperate Guy: do u hav BF?????????
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

SEE? SHE LOVES YOU!

Here's another common example:

Desperate Guy: hi!!!!!!!!
Girl: Erm. Do I know you?
Desperate Guy: lol no
Girl: ...okay...
Desperate Guy: asl
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Can you feel the love? I SURE CAN!

How about this one:

Desperate Guy: hihi
Girl: Hey
Desperate Guy: u r a girl rite????
Girl: Yeah...
Desperate Guy: wow! were u live????? got foto????? phonne numbr plz!!!11!!1!
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

See? They're totally swept away by your charm! Desperate guys get aaaaaaaall the girls alright. Yeah baby!

2. Be Stupid

Nothing impresses a girl more than the overall stupidity of a guy. Why intimidate a girl with your intelligence when you can wow her with your amazing lack of it? Why engage in boring, intellectual conversations about philosophy, books and politics when you can talk about the awe-inducing mould growing on the soles of your feet?

Example 1:

Girl: Hey, what do you think about cloning?
Stupid Guy: cloning?? wats dat????
Girl: ..Uh... you know.. Dolly? The sheep?
Stupid Guy: ooohhhh i liek sheeep =p
Girl: ....nevermind.
Stupid Guy: eyy wana hear abt diz ting i foun in my nose lol?????
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Example 2:

Girl: Are you a fan of Roald Dahl?
Stupid Guy: ohhhh yeeaaah he's a good acter lol
Girl: Erm... Okay...
Stupid Guy: i liek his movies hehe
Girl: What about J.R.R. Tolkien?
Stupid Guy: ooooo wuz he on amerrcan idol???? yeah he sings well
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Example 3:

Girl: Hey, check out this site!
Stupid Guy: heeeeeeyyyyy wat u send me?! itz haccking me!!11!
Girl: It's hacking you? What?
Stupid Guy: id sez i haf 2 dl qicktime plugggin
Girl: Erm. Yeah. You need Quicktime.
Stupid Guy: itz iinstalling sumting on my compp!
Girl: Well, yeah, it's installing Quicktime.
Stupid Guy: omg im getting haccked
Girl: Relax, it's just installing Quicktime. It's not HACKING you.
Stupid Guy: howw 2 mak diz virus stopp?????
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Stupidity is always a turn on. Oh yeah.

3. Be A Man of Few Words

Girls adore men of few words.

Girl: I watched Star Wars, and it totally sucked.
Man of Few Words: lol
Girl: Ewan McGregor was hot as always, but his acting was mediocre.
Man of Few Words: lol
Girl: Darth Vader's Noooooo was awesome though.
Man of Few Words: LMAO
Girl: Hopefully Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will live up to the hype.
Man of Few Words: yeah
Girl: ...I think you are a dimwitted moron.
Man of Few Words: lol yeah
Girl: ...can't you say anything else?
Man of Few Words: ohh sorry hehe
Girl: ...You suck.
Man of Few Words: lol
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

The Randomest Essay Assignment Ever

Author's note:

Dear reader,

You are now the unfortunate victim of my really pointless 450 word essay. Bwahahahaha.

This essay was written as a challenge to incorporate all 5 essay title options in one really nonsensical story. Do try and figure out which part corresponds with which -- waste of time guaranteed (or your money back)!

1. A time I surprised myself
2. An incident in which I acted in cowardice
3. A blessing in disguise
4. An unusual experience
5. My life as a ______

Love,
Galvea

P.S. I will not be responsible for any apparent drop in IQ points.

~My Life As A Cowardly Hero~

SCARY DRAGON’S LAIR(TM), said the neon sign overhead.

I took a deep, calming breath before bravely going where no man had ever (voluntarily) gone. It was pitch black in the cave and I wandered about blindly, bumping into things which were not at all bumper-friendly. I was about to let loose a string of choice words from my extensive vocabulary when a sudden flood of light nearly blinded me.

“Aaah!” I screamed, shielding my eyes.

“What are you doing in my broom closet?”

Broom closet? I peeked through my fingers and found that I was, indeed, in a broom closet. I had no idea how I had ended up in a broom closet, but life clearly did not make much sense. I stepped out of it, rather embarrassed.

“Well! I have no idea what you were doing in my broom closet, but let us have tea together,” said the chicken. Yes, chicken.

I stared uncertainly at the talking fowl. “…Are you the Scary Dragon(TM)?” I said finally.

“Why, yes! That would be me!” It straightened up (as much as a chicken could) and looked exceedingly proud of itself. I raised a sceptical brow, but decided not to dwell on the subject any longer. Life did not make sense.

We sat down for tea. I casually brought up the reason for my unannounced visit.

“I’m here to save the Princess.”

The chicken tensed up. “You want to save the Princess?”

“Er. Yes.”

The chicken sprang up in a flurry of feathers, abandoning the task of buttering its toast. I instinctively backed away.

“By all means! Take her away!” It cried. To say I was surprised would be a massive understatement. I had expected a grueling battle to the death. And then some.

As if on cue, said Princess ambled out of some hallway, yawning and looking altogether too relaxed for a (supposed) damsel-in-distress. She cast a haughty glance my way before joining us at the table.

“Who’s this?” demanded the Princess.

“Your knight-in-shining-armour.” I offered.

She gave me a cool “Oh, really?” look before turning to the visibly terrified chicken, who was inching his way under the table in a conspicuously inconspicuous manner. “Where is my Ferrari? You promised me! And I’m going shoe shopping this afternoon.” A pause. “I expect you know what I mean.”

The chicken sighed and handed over its credit card. The Princess, having secured her moolah, got up and ambled away with a satisfied air.

“Take her away! I beg of you!” hissed the chicken once she was out of ear-shot.

I considered my options. Saving the Princess meant having to marry her. I clutched the chicken’s shoulder, looked straight into its eyes and said gravely, “You have my sympathies.”

Then I downed my tea in one gulp, pilfered a piece of toast and made my hasty escape through the broom closet. Sometimes even heroes had to be chickens.

THE END

Yes, that was a waste of 5 minutes of your life. No, I don't do refunds. Have a nice day, bwahahaha.