The Pearl aka Coyotito's Random Death

The Pearl pisses me off. Kino is a fool. Juana should file for divorce. Coyotito should have avoided the bullet Matrix-style.

The Pearl is an ill-disguised musical, for crying out loud. Juana's always singing, and whenever The Pearl gets some screen-time Linkin Park plays in the background. I have a feeling The Pearl is some sort of alien radio-device. That would explain why Kino keeps hearing "The Song of Evil" or something along those lines.

Verdict: The Pearl Live-action = Bollywood film. The Pearl Animated = Disney Film. Juana = Julie Andrews.

Kino turns evil because of all the evil, evil songs he keeps hearing. Coincidence? I think not. Brainwash? Probably. ALIEN CONSPIRACY? Hell yes!

Verdict: T3h Evil Song of the Pearl contains Satanic subliminal messages.

Also, Juana's been drugging them corn-cakes. I just know it. Why do you think Kino keeps eating them, huh? He's addicted to it, that's why!

Verdict: Kino is a Corn-cake Addict. 'Nuff said.

The dog. What's up with the dog? He appears in the first chapter, acts like a dog (in other words, nothing important happens) and then disappears after that. What the hell's up with that?! Is he supposed to be some sort of deep, symbological character? Or - gasp!! - is he an alien spy, sent to check on the Alien-Pearl-Radio?! OR MAYBE HE'S T3H EVIL MASTERMIND BEHIND ALL THE PEARL STEALINGS!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Verdict: The dog is evil. Random, but evil.

Coyotito suffers a random death. Of course, everyone should have seen that coming. Rule #193: If you're a side character and nearly died'd, you will die later because literature needs Irony. Rule #208: If you're a side character without any lines whatsoever, you will most certainly die because you need to contribute something to the story.

Verdict: Had Coyotito watched The Matrix, he would have been able to dodge the bullet and then proceed to kick some Tracker ass with his 1337 Gun-Fu moves. Then he'd make a speech, something along the lines of "lol PWNED" and then walk off into the sunset all bad-ass like. Unfortunately, that didn't happen because he didn't even dodge the bullet in the first place and DIED'D. lol PWNED!!

The Pearl is too long for its own good. Watch me write the whole story in a few simple sentences!

Juana: The Pearl is evil!!
Kino: No it's not!!! You're just saying that!
Juana: IS TOO!
Kino: IS NOT!
Juana: IS TOO!
Kino: IS NOT!
Coyotito: Erm.. guys?
Juana: IS TOO!
Kino: IS NOT!
Juana: IS TOO!
Kino: IS NOT!
Coyotito: People.....
Juana: IS TOO!
Kino: IS NOT!
Coyotito: A little help here...
Juana: IS TOO!!!
Kino: IS NOT!!!
Coyotito: Cheezus, these people are impossible.
Juana: IS TOO!!!111!!!SHIFT+ONE
Kino: IS NOT!!!!1!!!1!!!!!111SHIFT+ONEHUNDREDANDONE
Coyotito: Oh, now I'm dead. Thanks a lot.
Pearl: (plays angsty Linkin Park music)

In Conclusion:
Someone needs to pay me to write deep, interesting novels for future Literature study.