A Galvean Valentine
Whee. I know, I know, Valentine's Day is over. But Galvea's Law defies everything, and thus Valentine's Day is whichever day I say it is.
I was going to draw a short, fluffy Shoujo-y manga for the occasion, but an alien mothership appeared and started a pizza party in my backyard. Then the FBI came over and ate my manga. With Tobasco sauce. Bastards!
So! In order to compensate for the loss of said manga, I shall now present you a short, fluffy Shoujo-y Valentine's Day story instead. It's titled "I'm Gonna Beat the Shit out of You". Just looking at the title makes me feel all warm and fuzzy-feely inside. Say it with me now: Awwwwwwwww~
I'm Gonna Beat the Shit out of You
~A Galvean Love Story~
Once upon a time, in a place utterly insignificant to this story, a not-so-ordinary girl lived with her very ordinary and therefore very unimportant parents/grandparents/family/relatives/random people/whatever. Since all of them except said girl were a) exceptionally ugly and b) had nothing to do with the plot whatsoever, they were therefore c) Very Much Expendable and were inexplicably killed off by some random
Plot Device or another. It was all very sad and tragic. Sniff.
Anyway. It took the not-so-ordinary girl all of 2 weeks to realize that everyone else had spontaneously combusted because frankly, she a) didn't care all that much about them and b) they were really annoying to begin with. She mourned over the sudden loss of people to boss
around for a good 2 minutes before selling whatever stuff she inherited (which was everything) on eee!Bay for a tidy sum. Then she lived happily ever after in a chocolate castle she built for herself on a beautiful island with blue, transparent beaches and white, sandy waters. Or something. Whatever.
But alas! Fate had other plans in store for the main character of our crackpot Valentine maybe-love story thingy.
Which was exactly why she woke up one bright and sunny morning to find herself violently thrown off her bed and her lovely logic-defying chocolate castle shaking and swaying and other such nausea-inducing motions starting with the letter "s". Being the exceptionally bright and
cheerful girl she most definitely wasn't, she immediately got to her hands and feet and started crawling towards her window, cursing in incoherent Spanish all the way. She had no idea what she was saying, of course, but she didn't care. She was the sort of person who enjoyed spouting random words that had no meaning but sounded bad. It made her feel better.
She reached her bedroom window and, gripping the window sill, hauled herself upright on her knees. By this time the castle was swaying so badly the only thing keeping it together was the awesome magical powers of Plot Device #20938021. She poked her head out the window and instinctively flicked Dead Bird #20981 off the crumbly window sill without a second thought. It was completely beyond her why birds kept coming to gorge themselves to death on the chocolate window sill. Damn birds never learn.
A violent jolt through the castle almost sent her flying right out the window and into her untimely demise, but then the story would have to end due to the sudden lack of a main character and that would be, well, really stupid and pointless. So by the mystical powers of Author Will she latched onto the window frame in time to save this sorry excuse of a Valentine fic and also spot the cause of all her troubles.
There was a guy. Eating her castle. Of all the nerve.
"Hey! HEY! HEY YOU!!" She hollered, leaning precariously out the window with all the elegance of a pissed off mad(wo)man about to leap out and strangle somebody. The guy was either a) insane, b) retarded, or, god forbid, c) insane AND retarded. She didn't like any of the
options, but c) meant that somebody was going to die a horrible death and that would be SUCH a hassle. Not to mention there wouldn't be anyone to clean up the mess afterwards since everyone, y'know, spontaneously combusted and all.
Fortunately for her, whatever the guy was, he wasn't deaf. He stopped chomping on a once-exquisitely-carved-but-now-horribly-and-unartistically-mangled pillar to look up at her, squinting against the offensively dazzling morning sun. She sighed, staring at the pillar with
much grief. It was like having a Michelangelo turn into a bad Picasso. Or something.
She sucked in a deep breath, closed her eyes and counted to ten. Then she opened her eyes to find that the chocolate-castle-eating-fiend had not spontaneously combusted as she had hoped and was in fact still standing there like her worst nightmare. She cursed under her breath. Damn these non-expendable male leads.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING EATING MY CASTLE?!" She yelled at him. Then, feeling that the outburst didn't quite do her Burning Anger(TM) justice, she shook her fist at him in a manner no decent lady would ever do.
He blinked like an oblivious chocolate-castle-eating-idiot. "You are a princess, are you not?"
For a moment there was nothing but silence. Crickets started chirping, but were immediately run over by a random speeding tumbleweed rolling along at 240km/h from... an absolutely logical place... on a tropical island. Either way, it wasn't important to the story, so it
disappeared off into some other equally logical place to increase its roadkill count.
She knew it. She knew it was coming all along. And here it was. No, not the tumbleweed. The Obligatory Male Lead in a Love Story(TM). She cast her eyes heavenwards and wondered, God, what have I ever done to you?
She stared at the Male Lead(TM) below her and gave a defeated sigh. "If I tell you to go away, will you go away?"
He frowned and rubbed the back of his head uncertainly. "Uh... I'm supposed to rescue the princess and live happily ever after with her."
She gritted her teeth. "Unfortunately, that isn't possible since I am NOT a princess."
"But isn't this a castle?"
"Yeah, before you FRICKIN' ATE IT."
He started fidgeting. "But... but... I thought..."
She cut him off. "Why the hell did you eat my castle?"
He tugged at his collar, looking very embarrased. "...I didn't know how to get in..."
She narrowed her eyes. "Somewhere sometime some guy invented something called a DOOR."
She paused. "Assuming that you haven't destroyed it, of course."
By now he was looking extremely uncomfortable. He squirmed under her gaze, suddenly finding the grass under his feet very interesting to look at.
"So... you don't need to be rescued?"
She gave him one of her forced grins. The kind that said I-so-wanna-bash-your-face-in. "From you, maybe."
"So... I shouldn't eat the castle?"
"No." She answered flatly.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Very."
"You don't want me here?"
"Yes." She said, resisting the urge to jump down and beat the crap out of the moron.
"Are you sur--" He began.
"YES."
"Don't you want--" He gestured helplessly.
"NO."
"I..." His shoulders slumped in defeat. "What should I do now?"
"You want my suggestion? Roll over and die."
He sat down cross-legged on the chocolate-coated lawn with a heavy sigh. "I can't do that! I'm the Male Lead(TM)!" He clutched his head and tugged his hair in an exasperated manner. "Dammit!"
She cracked her knuckles slowly and deliberately. Her mouth curved into an Evil Smirk(TM). "Wrong answer."
And that was how our heroine beat the living daylights out of our Male Lead(TM). Needless to say, he was eventually forced to rebuild her chocolate castle into some sort of psuedo-time-space-interdimensional-warping-castle which created so many paradoxes Logic finally surrendered and retired to a peaceful, idyllic life in Hawaii.
~THE END~
I was going to draw a short, fluffy Shoujo-y manga for the occasion, but an alien mothership appeared and started a pizza party in my backyard. Then the FBI came over and ate my manga. With Tobasco sauce. Bastards!
So! In order to compensate for the loss of said manga, I shall now present you a short, fluffy Shoujo-y Valentine's Day story instead. It's titled "I'm Gonna Beat the Shit out of You". Just looking at the title makes me feel all warm and fuzzy-feely inside. Say it with me now: Awwwwwwwww~
I'm Gonna Beat the Shit out of You
~A Galvean Love Story~
Once upon a time, in a place utterly insignificant to this story, a not-so-ordinary girl lived with her very ordinary and therefore very unimportant parents/grandparents/family/relatives/random people/whatever. Since all of them except said girl were a) exceptionally ugly and b) had nothing to do with the plot whatsoever, they were therefore c) Very Much Expendable and were inexplicably killed off by some random
Plot Device or another. It was all very sad and tragic. Sniff.
Anyway. It took the not-so-ordinary girl all of 2 weeks to realize that everyone else had spontaneously combusted because frankly, she a) didn't care all that much about them and b) they were really annoying to begin with. She mourned over the sudden loss of people to boss
around for a good 2 minutes before selling whatever stuff she inherited (which was everything) on eee!Bay for a tidy sum. Then she lived happily ever after in a chocolate castle she built for herself on a beautiful island with blue, transparent beaches and white, sandy waters. Or something. Whatever.
But alas! Fate had other plans in store for the main character of our crackpot Valentine maybe-love story thingy.
Which was exactly why she woke up one bright and sunny morning to find herself violently thrown off her bed and her lovely logic-defying chocolate castle shaking and swaying and other such nausea-inducing motions starting with the letter "s". Being the exceptionally bright and
cheerful girl she most definitely wasn't, she immediately got to her hands and feet and started crawling towards her window, cursing in incoherent Spanish all the way. She had no idea what she was saying, of course, but she didn't care. She was the sort of person who enjoyed spouting random words that had no meaning but sounded bad. It made her feel better.
She reached her bedroom window and, gripping the window sill, hauled herself upright on her knees. By this time the castle was swaying so badly the only thing keeping it together was the awesome magical powers of Plot Device #20938021. She poked her head out the window and instinctively flicked Dead Bird #20981 off the crumbly window sill without a second thought. It was completely beyond her why birds kept coming to gorge themselves to death on the chocolate window sill. Damn birds never learn.
A violent jolt through the castle almost sent her flying right out the window and into her untimely demise, but then the story would have to end due to the sudden lack of a main character and that would be, well, really stupid and pointless. So by the mystical powers of Author Will she latched onto the window frame in time to save this sorry excuse of a Valentine fic and also spot the cause of all her troubles.
There was a guy. Eating her castle. Of all the nerve.
"Hey! HEY! HEY YOU!!" She hollered, leaning precariously out the window with all the elegance of a pissed off mad(wo)man about to leap out and strangle somebody. The guy was either a) insane, b) retarded, or, god forbid, c) insane AND retarded. She didn't like any of the
options, but c) meant that somebody was going to die a horrible death and that would be SUCH a hassle. Not to mention there wouldn't be anyone to clean up the mess afterwards since everyone, y'know, spontaneously combusted and all.
Fortunately for her, whatever the guy was, he wasn't deaf. He stopped chomping on a once-exquisitely-carved-but-now-horribly-and-unartistically-mangled pillar to look up at her, squinting against the offensively dazzling morning sun. She sighed, staring at the pillar with
much grief. It was like having a Michelangelo turn into a bad Picasso. Or something.
She sucked in a deep breath, closed her eyes and counted to ten. Then she opened her eyes to find that the chocolate-castle-eating-fiend had not spontaneously combusted as she had hoped and was in fact still standing there like her worst nightmare. She cursed under her breath. Damn these non-expendable male leads.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING EATING MY CASTLE?!" She yelled at him. Then, feeling that the outburst didn't quite do her Burning Anger(TM) justice, she shook her fist at him in a manner no decent lady would ever do.
He blinked like an oblivious chocolate-castle-eating-idiot. "You are a princess, are you not?"
For a moment there was nothing but silence. Crickets started chirping, but were immediately run over by a random speeding tumbleweed rolling along at 240km/h from... an absolutely logical place... on a tropical island. Either way, it wasn't important to the story, so it
disappeared off into some other equally logical place to increase its roadkill count.
She knew it. She knew it was coming all along. And here it was. No, not the tumbleweed. The Obligatory Male Lead in a Love Story(TM). She cast her eyes heavenwards and wondered, God, what have I ever done to you?
She stared at the Male Lead(TM) below her and gave a defeated sigh. "If I tell you to go away, will you go away?"
He frowned and rubbed the back of his head uncertainly. "Uh... I'm supposed to rescue the princess and live happily ever after with her."
She gritted her teeth. "Unfortunately, that isn't possible since I am NOT a princess."
"But isn't this a castle?"
"Yeah, before you FRICKIN' ATE IT."
He started fidgeting. "But... but... I thought..."
She cut him off. "Why the hell did you eat my castle?"
He tugged at his collar, looking very embarrased. "...I didn't know how to get in..."
She narrowed her eyes. "Somewhere sometime some guy invented something called a DOOR."
She paused. "Assuming that you haven't destroyed it, of course."
By now he was looking extremely uncomfortable. He squirmed under her gaze, suddenly finding the grass under his feet very interesting to look at.
"So... you don't need to be rescued?"
She gave him one of her forced grins. The kind that said I-so-wanna-bash-your-face-in. "From you, maybe."
"So... I shouldn't eat the castle?"
"No." She answered flatly.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Very."
"You don't want me here?"
"Yes." She said, resisting the urge to jump down and beat the crap out of the moron.
"Are you sur--" He began.
"YES."
"Don't you want--" He gestured helplessly.
"NO."
"I..." His shoulders slumped in defeat. "What should I do now?"
"You want my suggestion? Roll over and die."
He sat down cross-legged on the chocolate-coated lawn with a heavy sigh. "I can't do that! I'm the Male Lead(TM)!" He clutched his head and tugged his hair in an exasperated manner. "Dammit!"
She cracked her knuckles slowly and deliberately. Her mouth curved into an Evil Smirk(TM). "Wrong answer."
And that was how our heroine beat the living daylights out of our Male Lead(TM). Needless to say, he was eventually forced to rebuild her chocolate castle into some sort of psuedo-time-space-interdimensional-warping-castle which created so many paradoxes Logic finally surrendered and retired to a peaceful, idyllic life in Hawaii.
~THE END~
Ahahahaha. Nothing happened between the guy and the girl (both of which were inexplicably nameless throughout the fic). Wasn't that the best Valentine story you ever read? Don't you feel all warm and fuzzy-feely inside now?
The sequel (if there ever is one) will, of course, be titled "I'm STILL Gonna Beat the Shit out of You". Maybe there'll be a love story in that one. But I wouldn't bet my lunch money on it. There's a higher chance of there being crazy psychotic rapping eskimo ninjas than there being any semblance of *gasp* an actual love story. Or plot, for that matter.
posted by g@lv3a at 1:48 AM
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