No Better Company Than My Own

Hmm. Sounds like something a salesman/CEO/delusional worker would say, doesn't it?

Anyway. What I'm trying to say is, I'm my own best friend. No shit.

What, you want evidence? You want proof?! YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT TO YOU?! FINE, I WILL!! AND... AND I'LL LOOK REALLY PISSED OFF WHILE DOING IT, TOO!! AND I'LL POUT!! AND GLARE!! LIKE SO!!

Proof that I am my own best friend:

1) I never disagree with myself.
Isn't that wonderful? Just think! Someone who will always share your opinion and views on everything! What can possibly be better?

2) I never quarrel with myself.
This is, of course, extremely logical following the reasons stated in 1). If you haven't read it, then there is something very wrong with your reading method. Or your way of counting. Or maybe both.

3) I'm always there for myself.
It's so amazingly amazing, I'm still trying to believe it. Whenever I need a friend to talk things over with, lo and behold, I'm already there! Which, of course, brings us to...

4) We spend every waking moment together.
It's like being conjoined twins, except without being conjoined! Or being twins! How cool is that?!

5) I don't ever need to worry about my feelings.
Let's face it, the problem with friends is that you must always be careful not to hurt his or her feelings. Otherwise you wouldn't be a very good friend, would you? Telling a friend you think his/her shoes are ugly is a no-no. Throwing a friend out the window because he/she thinks your shoes are ugly is an even bigger no-no. Telling a friend his/her shoes are ugly and then throwing him/her out the window is a TOTAL no-no. Don't even think about it. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about stuff like that with myself, since I wouldn't ever voluntarily throw myself out the window without good reason. That and the fact that I know exactly what she's thinking. All the time. I'm psychic, oh yeah.

6) I can buy her birthday presents I want and then own it.
Have you ever found yourself in the Friend's Birthday Dilemma(TM)? It's a pain in the ass, innit? You have absolutely NO idea what to get your friend for his/her birthday, since all you can be 100% sure of is what YOU'd want to receive for your birthday. Then you proceed to suffer a mental breakdown as the dreaded day looms ever nearer, and finally, FINALLY, you can't stand it anymore and proceed to the nearest Generic Giftstore #20938091 and buy Generic Gift #2303810921, which your friend will no doubt be very happy to receive, put it somewhere safe and promptly forget all about it. Said Generic Gift will then immediately be transported into a parallel dimension where all forgotten gifts eventually end up and start plotting their Dastardly Revenge Against Mankind. But I digress. The point here is that I am free to buy any birthday present for myself, since I'd be sure to like it anyway (see #1 and #5). Not only that, I can treat the birthday present as my own, and I wouldn't even mind! Isn't that the bestest best thing ever?!

7) I never fail to amuse myself.
And I do a darn good job at it too. I have recently made the startling discovery that if I draw/write/create/do something, I will always, always be surprised with the results. I can write a silly essay today, come back tomorrow to read it and laugh as though I wasn't the one writing it the day before (which, technically speaking, I wasn't. But I did). I can draw something today, come back half and hour later and think, "OMG! I drew that?!". With me around, I'm never bored. Like this blog, which I constantly use to entertain myself. What, you think I wrote it for you? How narcissistic can you get?!

There you have it. 7 good reasons why there is no better company than my own. But why stop at 7, you say? Why not 10? Why such an odd number? Oh, there's a perfectly good explanation for it, alright.

But I'm not gonna tell you, 'cuz you're not my best friend. So there.

Here's a question for myself, should I be reading this: Why is the moon made out of cheese?