On Dealing with Felines

So, what do you do when your connection's on the fritz, your d/ls aren't moving and you're bored stiff? Blog about cats, of course! Pass the boredom around, folks!

Anyway, let me start by introducing my extended family.

Fifi: My oldest cat, and quite possibly senile. I'm not sure, and I don't think it warrants an in-depth investigation. Her real name is Jenivea, but it got shortened to Fifi. I know what you're thinking, but Jenivea is a pretty complicated name for a 7 year old, okay? Will be 12 years old this year, has trouble differentiating directions and tends to just stop and sleep whenever she gets tired, which is usually about 5 paces from her cage...

Chan-boy: My second oldest cat, and only about 4 years old. I think he might be sort of.. mentally challenged. Was once a really cute kitten, now looks like the Devil's incarnate. In human standards, I tend to think of him as a really pathetic jobless guy in his thirties still living in his mom's basement and trying to get laid. No, really. He's THE most perverted cat I've ever seen. Hits on all the other cats, regardless of gender or age. I think he's either bi or chronically confused. Also, his real name was Tidus (pronounced Tea-da), which became Tidus-chan, which in turn became Chan-boy. Don't. Ask. I now absolutely refuse to connect him with the main character of FFX.

Kira: The eldest among his siblings. Named after the main character of Gundam SEED because I swear he was the spitting image of him when he was still a kitten. Of course, he looks completely different now, and I'm still wondering HOW that happened. My mom thinks he's ugly, my sis thinks he looks like a monkey, but I think he's pretty good-looking. Of course, this could just be the Kira fangirl in me speaking, but either way I absolutely refuse to equate Kira to an ugly monkey. Enjoys sitting outside my door in the mornings and creating a huge racket till I get up and let him in. After I let him in, he explores my room, sniffs around, and then sits in front of my door creating a huge racket till I kick him out. Usually ends with me throwing him out yelling "What the hell did you want to come in for then?!". Amazingly enough, I still let him in every. single. time. Damn cat just won't shut up if I don't.

Cookie: Younger sibling of Kira's. She has a huge appetite, and eats almost everything and anything. Seems to like refined carbs a lot (read: breads and cookies). Named Cookie because of her mish-mash of cookie colours, but apparently your name can and will influence your character. Mother of 5, and currently pregnant.. again.

Rikku: Youngest sibling. Named after Rikku from FFX, but shares none of her personality traits, as far as I know (which is a good thing). Currently the mother of 4, and seems to have finally snapped from post-natal stress. Goes berserk sometimes, pouncing on air and dashing after invisible mice. I don't blame her -- her kittens aren't exactly angels. Like all mother cats, she enjoys prying open drawers and cupboards and crawling inside. I'm still not sure whether they do that to find suitable places to hide their kittens, or whether they're just trying to hide from their kittens.

Lao Da: Eldest among his siblings, an offspring of Cookie's. His name literally means "eldest among siblings". That was his temporary name when they were still kittens, and we never got around to changing it. Incredibly affectionate and enjoys being cuddled, which is incredibly rare among felines. Readily responds to his name, which is also very rare. I like to think that his affection for us comes from all the milk we fed him when he was still a mere kitten. Honestly, I've never seen a kitten enjoy getting bottlefed as much as he does. Eats everything and anything, even more so than his mother, Cookie. Vegetables, tofu, curry, mee -- EVERYTHING.

Er Bao: Second in line. His name means "second treasure", but can also mean "hungry and then full", which suits him very well. He is quite possibly the FATTEST cat I've ever had. Ever. Incredibly lazy as well. If you see him sleeping on the kitchen floor in the morning, chances are he'll still be there sleeping in the evening. Also seems to be the only cat making full use of the sofas -- all the other cats prefer to sleep on tables or on the floor, which is mildly puzzling. Surely a sofa is much more comfortable than any of those? Felines think in mysterious ways...

Jumbo: Third in line. Used to be twice as large as his siblings, hence his name. I say "used" because we later sent him to a pet shop, which turned out to be A Very Big Mistake. I pestered my mom about it and we brought him back a month later. By then he was half the size of his elder siblings. Still, we kept his name for old times' sake. Now appears to be in good shape, though half of his coat of black fur seems to have turned white, which is very, very odd to look at. I keep having the most bizarre urge to pluck out the white strands of fur, and I did, just once, and was immediately enlightened on what Jumbo thought of that. Moral of the story: Always respect a cat's opinions.

Xiao Bao: Youngest sibling. His name literally means "smallest treasure", and I don't have a witty pun for it, which is a shame. Isn't as affectionate as the others, but enjoys, and I repeat, ENJOYS running across my keyboard at every opportunity. I swear, this cat is deliberately trying to crash my computer or something. He's also very difficult to track during the day. I think there must be some sort of cat pub in my neighbourhood or something, where all my cats hide in when the time comes to put them back in their cages. They then proceed to hang out there and get wasted, only staggering home in the wee hours of the morning to get their fill of cat food and then crash somewhere to sleep. My mom tends to get very disgusted with their behaviour, saying that they treat our house "like a hotel". I'm inclined to agree, but hey, they're cats.

The 4 kittens: The latest addition to the increasingly chaotic feline household. They look like little grey tigers, which is pretty darn adorable. One of them has a really prominent "v" marking on his forehead. I'd call him "Sailor V", but Sailor V's very much female and I don't wanna know how that's gonna mess him up in the future. Best not to go there. They're now at the stage where they keep running around, meowing for no apparent reason and generally just annoying the heck out of me. Whoever invented the Energizer Bunny has evidently never had the pleasure of experiencing 4 hyperactive kittens doing what they do best.

My advice on dealing with felines?

When it comes down to it, the one with retractable claws will always win.