How To Impress Girls

~A Galvean Exclusive~

Tired of being a walking girl-repellent? Wanna be popular with the ladies? Then you've come to the riiiiiiiiight place! Sweep girls off their feet with your awesome charm TODAY!

*Warning label: Mild side effects include depression, low self-esteem, insanity, general creepiness and loss of life. Approved by the Health Ministry.*

1. Be Desperate

Girls just loooooooooove desperate guys. In fact, girls love them SO much they instantly play hard to get! And we all know that when a girl plays hard to get, it means she's interested in you, right? RIGHT!

Here's a good example:

Desperate Guy: hi!!!!!!!
Girl: Erm. Hi.
Desperate Guy: do u hav BF?????????
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

SEE? SHE LOVES YOU!

Here's another common example:

Desperate Guy: hi!!!!!!!!
Girl: Erm. Do I know you?
Desperate Guy: lol no
Girl: ...okay...
Desperate Guy: asl
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Can you feel the love? I SURE CAN!

How about this one:

Desperate Guy: hihi
Girl: Hey
Desperate Guy: u r a girl rite????
Girl: Yeah...
Desperate Guy: wow! were u live????? got foto????? phonne numbr plz!!!11!!1!
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

See? They're totally swept away by your charm! Desperate guys get aaaaaaaall the girls alright. Yeah baby!

2. Be Stupid

Nothing impresses a girl more than the overall stupidity of a guy. Why intimidate a girl with your intelligence when you can wow her with your amazing lack of it? Why engage in boring, intellectual conversations about philosophy, books and politics when you can talk about the awe-inducing mould growing on the soles of your feet?

Example 1:

Girl: Hey, what do you think about cloning?
Stupid Guy: cloning?? wats dat????
Girl: ..Uh... you know.. Dolly? The sheep?
Stupid Guy: ooohhhh i liek sheeep =p
Girl: ....nevermind.
Stupid Guy: eyy wana hear abt diz ting i foun in my nose lol?????
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Example 2:

Girl: Are you a fan of Roald Dahl?
Stupid Guy: ohhhh yeeaaah he's a good acter lol
Girl: Erm... Okay...
Stupid Guy: i liek his movies hehe
Girl: What about J.R.R. Tolkien?
Stupid Guy: ooooo wuz he on amerrcan idol???? yeah he sings well
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Example 3:

Girl: Hey, check out this site!
Stupid Guy: heeeeeeyyyyy wat u send me?! itz haccking me!!11!
Girl: It's hacking you? What?
Stupid Guy: id sez i haf 2 dl qicktime plugggin
Girl: Erm. Yeah. You need Quicktime.
Stupid Guy: itz iinstalling sumting on my compp!
Girl: Well, yeah, it's installing Quicktime.
Stupid Guy: omg im getting haccked
Girl: Relax, it's just installing Quicktime. It's not HACKING you.
Stupid Guy: howw 2 mak diz virus stopp?????
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

Stupidity is always a turn on. Oh yeah.

3. Be A Man of Few Words

Girls adore men of few words.

Girl: I watched Star Wars, and it totally sucked.
Man of Few Words: lol
Girl: Ewan McGregor was hot as always, but his acting was mediocre.
Man of Few Words: lol
Girl: Darth Vader's Noooooo was awesome though.
Man of Few Words: LMAO
Girl: Hopefully Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will live up to the hype.
Man of Few Words: yeah
Girl: ...I think you are a dimwitted moron.
Man of Few Words: lol yeah
Girl: ...can't you say anything else?
Man of Few Words: ohh sorry hehe
Girl: ...You suck.
Man of Few Words: lol
Girl: ...may or may not reply as he or she appears to be offline

The Randomest Essay Assignment Ever

Author's note:

Dear reader,

You are now the unfortunate victim of my really pointless 450 word essay. Bwahahahaha.

This essay was written as a challenge to incorporate all 5 essay title options in one really nonsensical story. Do try and figure out which part corresponds with which -- waste of time guaranteed (or your money back)!

1. A time I surprised myself
2. An incident in which I acted in cowardice
3. A blessing in disguise
4. An unusual experience
5. My life as a ______

Love,
Galvea

P.S. I will not be responsible for any apparent drop in IQ points.

~My Life As A Cowardly Hero~

SCARY DRAGON’S LAIR(TM), said the neon sign overhead.

I took a deep, calming breath before bravely going where no man had ever (voluntarily) gone. It was pitch black in the cave and I wandered about blindly, bumping into things which were not at all bumper-friendly. I was about to let loose a string of choice words from my extensive vocabulary when a sudden flood of light nearly blinded me.

“Aaah!” I screamed, shielding my eyes.

“What are you doing in my broom closet?”

Broom closet? I peeked through my fingers and found that I was, indeed, in a broom closet. I had no idea how I had ended up in a broom closet, but life clearly did not make much sense. I stepped out of it, rather embarrassed.

“Well! I have no idea what you were doing in my broom closet, but let us have tea together,” said the chicken. Yes, chicken.

I stared uncertainly at the talking fowl. “…Are you the Scary Dragon(TM)?” I said finally.

“Why, yes! That would be me!” It straightened up (as much as a chicken could) and looked exceedingly proud of itself. I raised a sceptical brow, but decided not to dwell on the subject any longer. Life did not make sense.

We sat down for tea. I casually brought up the reason for my unannounced visit.

“I’m here to save the Princess.”

The chicken tensed up. “You want to save the Princess?”

“Er. Yes.”

The chicken sprang up in a flurry of feathers, abandoning the task of buttering its toast. I instinctively backed away.

“By all means! Take her away!” It cried. To say I was surprised would be a massive understatement. I had expected a grueling battle to the death. And then some.

As if on cue, said Princess ambled out of some hallway, yawning and looking altogether too relaxed for a (supposed) damsel-in-distress. She cast a haughty glance my way before joining us at the table.

“Who’s this?” demanded the Princess.

“Your knight-in-shining-armour.” I offered.

She gave me a cool “Oh, really?” look before turning to the visibly terrified chicken, who was inching his way under the table in a conspicuously inconspicuous manner. “Where is my Ferrari? You promised me! And I’m going shoe shopping this afternoon.” A pause. “I expect you know what I mean.”

The chicken sighed and handed over its credit card. The Princess, having secured her moolah, got up and ambled away with a satisfied air.

“Take her away! I beg of you!” hissed the chicken once she was out of ear-shot.

I considered my options. Saving the Princess meant having to marry her. I clutched the chicken’s shoulder, looked straight into its eyes and said gravely, “You have my sympathies.”

Then I downed my tea in one gulp, pilfered a piece of toast and made my hasty escape through the broom closet. Sometimes even heroes had to be chickens.

THE END

Yes, that was a waste of 5 minutes of your life. No, I don't do refunds. Have a nice day, bwahahaha.