The Randomest Essay Assignment Ever

Author's note:

Dear reader,

You are now the unfortunate victim of my really pointless 450 word essay. Bwahahahaha.

This essay was written as a challenge to incorporate all 5 essay title options in one really nonsensical story. Do try and figure out which part corresponds with which -- waste of time guaranteed (or your money back)!

1. A time I surprised myself
2. An incident in which I acted in cowardice
3. A blessing in disguise
4. An unusual experience
5. My life as a ______

Love,
Galvea

P.S. I will not be responsible for any apparent drop in IQ points.

~My Life As A Cowardly Hero~

SCARY DRAGON’S LAIR(TM), said the neon sign overhead.

I took a deep, calming breath before bravely going where no man had ever (voluntarily) gone. It was pitch black in the cave and I wandered about blindly, bumping into things which were not at all bumper-friendly. I was about to let loose a string of choice words from my extensive vocabulary when a sudden flood of light nearly blinded me.

“Aaah!” I screamed, shielding my eyes.

“What are you doing in my broom closet?”

Broom closet? I peeked through my fingers and found that I was, indeed, in a broom closet. I had no idea how I had ended up in a broom closet, but life clearly did not make much sense. I stepped out of it, rather embarrassed.

“Well! I have no idea what you were doing in my broom closet, but let us have tea together,” said the chicken. Yes, chicken.

I stared uncertainly at the talking fowl. “…Are you the Scary Dragon(TM)?” I said finally.

“Why, yes! That would be me!” It straightened up (as much as a chicken could) and looked exceedingly proud of itself. I raised a sceptical brow, but decided not to dwell on the subject any longer. Life did not make sense.

We sat down for tea. I casually brought up the reason for my unannounced visit.

“I’m here to save the Princess.”

The chicken tensed up. “You want to save the Princess?”

“Er. Yes.”

The chicken sprang up in a flurry of feathers, abandoning the task of buttering its toast. I instinctively backed away.

“By all means! Take her away!” It cried. To say I was surprised would be a massive understatement. I had expected a grueling battle to the death. And then some.

As if on cue, said Princess ambled out of some hallway, yawning and looking altogether too relaxed for a (supposed) damsel-in-distress. She cast a haughty glance my way before joining us at the table.

“Who’s this?” demanded the Princess.

“Your knight-in-shining-armour.” I offered.

She gave me a cool “Oh, really?” look before turning to the visibly terrified chicken, who was inching his way under the table in a conspicuously inconspicuous manner. “Where is my Ferrari? You promised me! And I’m going shoe shopping this afternoon.” A pause. “I expect you know what I mean.”

The chicken sighed and handed over its credit card. The Princess, having secured her moolah, got up and ambled away with a satisfied air.

“Take her away! I beg of you!” hissed the chicken once she was out of ear-shot.

I considered my options. Saving the Princess meant having to marry her. I clutched the chicken’s shoulder, looked straight into its eyes and said gravely, “You have my sympathies.”

Then I downed my tea in one gulp, pilfered a piece of toast and made my hasty escape through the broom closet. Sometimes even heroes had to be chickens.

THE END

Yes, that was a waste of 5 minutes of your life. No, I don't do refunds. Have a nice day, bwahahaha.