The Mangrix

The Matrix Ultra Condensed ~Mangrish Version~

Once upon a time...

Scriptwriter A: Hmm.. we need a good name for him.
Scriptwriter B: Uhhh... how about we make it an anagram of "One"? Since he's like, THE ONE and all.
Scriptwriter A: Splendid idea, mate! It'll be... *short pause* ONE!!
Scriptwriter B: d00d, that's not even an anagram.
Scriptwriter A: Oh. Okay. Erm. Then it'll be... *short pause* NOE!!!
Scriptwriter B: .....I think we better try again.....
Scriptwriter A: Sheesh, okay okay. ENO!!!
Scriptwriter B: .........No.
Scriptwriter A: Good heavens, mate! You are IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE!
Scriptwriter B: No, you're just stupid. *writes down the name "Neo"*

~Start of Story~

Neo: I think my life got something wrong loh. But I dunno what wor. These strange people all keep chasing me leh. They all crazy ah?

Morpheus jumps out of a nearby bush.

Morpheus: Boo?!

Neo: Ahhhhh!! Aiseh, you want to gimme heart attack issit?!

Morpheus takes out two pills.

Morpheus: You?! Take red pill or blue pill?!

Neo: What pill what pill? You drug dealer issit? I dun want to buy anything!

Morpheus: RED PILL OR BLUE PILL?!

Neo: Why you so stubborn? What pill is that? You think I stupid ah? After you gimme poison how? Go away! Or not I call the police!

Morpheus: CHOOSE?! DAMMIT?!

Neo: Aiyoh, why you so like that ah? No friends issit? Okay okay, I take one. Got pink one ah? My fa-bo-red colour.

Morpheus: YEEEAAAARGH?!

Morpheus shoves both pills down Neo's throat.

Neo: !!

Neo wakes up in The Real World(TM). He looks around at all the pods using humans as batteries.

Neo: Fooiyoh!

Neo meets up with the rest of the (very much expendable) people. Since most of them are going to die in gruesome ways sooner or later, we won't bother going into the details.

Neo and Trinity have THE TALK at the coffee table.

Trinity: You are THE ONE.

Neo: What one?

Neo reaches for a donut. Trinity slaps his hand away.

Trinity: THE ONE.

Neo: Har? I very blur lah. What one ah?

Trinity: THE ONE, god dammit!! You will save us all from The Matrix!

Neo: May Tricks? Like April Fool issit?

Trinity: No no NO!!! Argh!!!

Neo: You dun explain how I understand? You think I Superman ah? Can read mind issit?

Trinity: Why, god, WHY?!

Neo: You donnow how I know?

Neo goes back to drinking his coffee which tastes like seawater.

Morpheus decides to test whether Neo is truly THE ONE. Neo goes back into the Matrix and is required to jump across an insane gap between 2 buildings.

Morpheus: This is THE Jump?!

Neo: Why you people so funny ah? How come everything also got "THE" in front wan?

Morpheus: Follow me?!

Morpheus jumps across like a 20-ton elephant.

Neo: Fooiyoh! You Superman ah?!

Morpheus: COME?! If you are the one?! You won't?! Fall?!

Neo: You crazy ah?! You want me to die issit?!

Morpheus: If you don't jump?! I will?! KILL YOU?!

Neo: .....yeah coming coming......

Neo attempts The Jump(TM).

Neo: Wahliao! Lei ligo jin yan!! Ngak ngooooooooooooooo----

(Translation: Wahliao! You evil person! Bluff meeeeeeeeeeeee-----)

Neo falls into traffic below.

Morpheus, Trinity and the rest of the Very Expendable People are skeptical about Neo being THE ONE. They pay a visit to the Oracle's apartment.

Neo sees a kid playing with a spork. The kid bends the spork by SHEER WILLPOWER!! ZOMG!

Neo: Fooiyoh! Do again!

Kid: Here, you try it.

Neo gives the spork his most intense glare. Minutes pass. Nothing happens.

Spork: Hahahaha n00b!

Neo: How come?!

Kid: There is no spork.

Neo: Har?

Neo looks at his spork suspiciously. He bangs it on a table a few times.

Neo: You trying to bluff me issit? You think I very stupid issit?! I beat you up kao kao then you know!

Kid: It is not the spork that bends; it is only yourself.

Neo stabs the kid with the spork. The kid runs off crying to the Oracle. Neo goes into the kitchen and finds an 'ah sam' sitting on a chair with one leg up while cutting her nails.

Neo: You the Oracle ah?

Oracle: Yeah? What you want?

Neo: Am I THE ONE?

Oracle: You think I so free ah? Wah, after everybody come ask me questions how?

Neo: You donnow issit?

Oracle: Wahliao, no respect wan you! I don't like you! You not The One! Go home! Shoo!

Neo: Har?

Neo is thrown out by Oracle's tough looking bodyguard.

Lots of things happen. Neo trains. People die. Agent Smith walks around being badass. Backstabbing. Morpheus gets kidnapped by Agent Smith. Trinity and Neo go after them. Cue Lobby Scene.

Neo goes through the metal detector. Metal detector goes off.

Metal detector: Beep beep beep!

Neo: Beep what beep?! Nothing better to do ah?!

Neo kicks the metal detector with RAGE.

Guard on duty: Sorry, but I'd like to check the contents of your coat.

Neo: Okay.

Trinity: Hey, wait--

Neo opens up his coat, displaying his wonderful collection of guns. Beside him, Trinity smacks her forehead at his stupidity.

Guard on duty: ......what the hell?

Trinity smacks Neo around.

Trinity: YOU ARE SO STUPID!!

Neo: Har? He want to see my coat wot!

Trinity: ARGH!! NEVERMIND!!

Neo and Trinity proceed to do some collateral damage to the lobby. They go save Morpheus with a helicopter magically obtained from the Matrix 7-11.

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson.

Neo: Har? Who are you ah?

Agent Smith: How nice to meet you.

Neo: Nice what nice? You kidnap that Morphy something, you think I friend you ah?

Agent Smith: HUMANS ARE LIKE VIRUSES!

Neo: Har?

Neo shoots Agent Smith. Agent Smith dodges it in bullet-time.

Neo: Fooiyoh!

Agent Smith: YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME!

Neo: So? You think I like you ah? You think you so pretty issit?

Agent Smith: I--- I HATE YOU PEOPLE!! WAAAAAAHHH!!

Agent Smith runs off crying like a little girl.

Neo: ...Aiseh, what's his problem ah?

Morpheus is saved. Neo is officially THE ONE. Agent Smith is crying somewhere. The world may or may not be a better place. Yay.

To Be Continued...

This Post Has Nothing To Do With Anything

Except maybe ice-cream. Because we ALL know that ice-cream has something to do with everything.

Today I will talk about the wonders of the word "LOL". It is a truly remarkable word indeed, and can be used for anything and everything. Consider the following (fictitious) conversation:

Dude #1: Heya, how's it going?
Dude #2: LOL itz gud
Dude #1: Good for you then. I had a pretty bad day.
Dude #2: LOL
Dude #1: My car was stolen.
Dude #2: LOL reallly?!!!!!
Dude #1: Yeah. And I was supposed to pick up my girlfriend with it too!
Dude #2: LOL that sucks
Dude #1: Tell me about it. I had to take a cab to her place, and she got really angry because I was late.
Dude #2: d00d datz bad LOL
Dude #1: Yeah... we had an argument. Sad.
Dude #2: LOL
Dude #1: I'm so depressed.
Dude #2: LOL

See how useful it is? LOL!

Here's something else I like. The creativity of typing!

Dude #1: hey how r u??????
Dude #2: hAhA i'M FiNe~~~~~~
Dude #1: datz gud 2 hear!!!!11
Dude #2: yEaH mAn... i SaW dIz rEaLlY kAwAiI cHiC tOdAy
Dude #1: oooooo
Dude #2: i tinK sHe lIkEs mE XD
Dude #1: iz shhe liek hawt???????
Dude #2: d00d aS hAwT aS aSaM lAkSa~~~~
Dude #1: maaaaaan dat hottt i wana c hher 2
Dude #2: lOl~~~~ sHe's mInE kEkEkE
Dude #1: haahahahahahahha roflmao omg lol
Dude #2: hEhE i'M sO cOoOoL~ lOlZ~

Wow, such creativity! Such innovation! Can you feel their passion for typing?! I SURE CAN!!

And now I'll do a complete analysis of it, just because I can!

"hey how r u??????"

Obviously this fellow is in too much of a hurry to use proper capitalizing, but somewhere along the line he realizes his mistake and attempts to remedy it by adding a few more ‘?’s than completely necessary. With all the extra ‘?’s, it is now crystal clear that this is a question, and not a mild, insincere statement, an angry accusation or a dangerous terrorist threat. How considerate of him! Now let’s move on.

"datz gud 2 hear!!!!11"

As we can see, the poor fellow is once again incapable of capitalizing anything, but compensates somewhat by adding all the ‘!’s at the end to emphasize his excitement, lest we overlook it. It should be noted, however, that this fellow here might be suffering from Weak Pinky Syndrome, as shown from the "1"s at the end. However, he exhibits fine language skills by making intelligent abbreviations for words that are obviously too lengthy and time-consuming to write and we must give him credit for that. Such brilliance!

“haahahahahahahha roflmao omg lol”

Can you feel the hilarity of it? I SURE CAN! From the sentence alone we can safely deduce that this person has found something incredibly funny and is now sharing the hilarity of it all with us. One cannot blame him for the overuse of acronyms in his sentence as he is probably doubled over with laughter at the moment and has to type with his nose or perhaps elbows. Laughter makes the world a better place!

"hEhE i'M sO cOoOoL~ lOlZ~"

w00t! Rock on, dude, ROCK ON. Now if only you had a working capslock/shift key...

P.S. If I offended anybody, that's too bad. kEkeKekEkeKe!

The Randomest Poll Ever

Okay, here's the deal: I have no idea how you guys are taking my crackpot fairytale, so here's a poll for MY benefit. MINE AND MINE ALONE. Muahahahaha.

Please try to answer these questions honestly, or at least not-so-dishonestly. Feed them to Joe, please.

1. Do you like cheesecakes?
2. Is this story better than cheesecakes?

Just kidding. These are the REAL questions:

1. What do you think of the story so far?
a) Where's my crack, dammit?
b) OMG!! Is the Prince, like, gay?!
c) Are you on drugs? Can I have a share?
d) What's the deal with the sea urchin?
e) I would like to send you a bucket of gasoline and a match. Address please.

2. Which character do you like best (and would like to see more of)?
a) The Girl-phobic Prince
b) The War-crazy Princess
c) The Magic The Lots-of-People-Together(TM) King
d) The Marine Royal Advisor
e) I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THEM!!! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!

3. Do you want romance in this story?
a) Yes, PrincexPrincess
b) Yes, KingxRoyal Advisor
c) No, dammit!
d) Only if there are explosions involved.
e) I'd rather die than read a love story by Galvea.

And last but not least...

4. What do you want to see in the next chapters? All suggestions accepted.

Poll will run for as long as I want it to. Nyah.

The Randomest Fairytale Never Told 4

(Should I Even Bother?)

Galvea's Note:

Yes, I have no life. Muahahahaha.

The Prince, deciding that his plan had to be absolutely flawless, consulted his personal advisor.

"Um. Hey." said the Prince most intelligently. It was a good start.

His Most Trusted and Highly Esteemed Advisor(TM) merely sat in silence.

"I, erm, need your advice."

No response.

"I'm planning something that may or may not be legal." He paused, then quickly added, "It's perfectly justified, of course. Just of dubious legality."

The silence was beginning to unnerve him. Did his advisor know about his plans? Had his intentions been obvious from the very beginning? Could he read minds? Was his secret out?!

Shoot. Better to just get it out and over with. "I..." -- a deep breath -- "IhategirlsandIwantthemtosufferandsuffer" -- another deep breath -- "andsuffersomemoreinreallyhorribleways!!" Pause. "WILL YOU HELP ME PLOT MY MOST EVIL AND DASTARDLY REVENGE?!"

Pause. The Prince thought he heard a reply, got really angry, then realized it was just his loyal subjects practising their colourful vocabulary outside. Not so much as a word from his advisor. Not a syllable.

He was annoyed. How dare his advisor ignore him? He was the Prince, for crying out loud! "Well. If you don't want to help, you could have just said so. I'm sorry I wasted your time and mine. Goodbye."

And with that, he turned on his heels and stormed out.

The sea urchin continued sitting atop its royal cushion, very much at peace with the world. Yes, it was easy being a royal advisor.

To Be Continued...

No! Come back! Come back, my readers!!

The Randomest Fairytale Never Told 3

(For Really Good Reasons, I'm Sure)

Galvea's note:

No comments?! NONE?! ZERO?! ZIP?! ZILCH?! NADA?! I-- I hate you people!! Waaaaahhh!!

Both countries were, of course, at war with each other. It was a time when everything was at war with something or other, and usually over exasperatingly trivial matters, too. In this case, however, the two countries had been at war for so long, nobody even remembered what they were fighting over in the first place. It wasn't a big deal anyway -- they fired a few cannons at each other around noon, threw some rocks, hurled a few insults, shouted a bit, glared a lot, and then called it a day. Rinse and repeat.

It used to be their daily source of entertainment, but it wasn't nearly as fun now what with most insults having been repeated at least 12091204 times. In fact, it was getting really boring.

And here the Prince thought of the perfect revenge.

He would call a truce. Everyone would be happy. And then he'd throw a party. Everyone would be invited. And then... AND THEN---!!

Things would happen! Really horrible things! He didn't know what they were yet, but it would be... really horrible! Yes! Very!

It was going to be very interesting indeed.

--Elsewhere--

"This is boriiiiiing." The Princess was, as usual, standing at her balcony looking out at her citizens throwing rocks, flinging poo and other such things of questionable decency across the country border. She was really proud of her people. They were so incredibly civilized.

"Daddy, can we please nuke them? Pretty please? It'll be really pretty! There'll be lots of explosions and sparks and... and oh, can we please nuke them? It would go really well with our 4000th celebration of independence next week!"

The King was, at the moment, engrossed in an intellectually rousing game of Magic The Lots-Of-People-Together(TM) with his head advisor. "Darling, we can't do that-- shit! How dare you counter my -- they'd be really -- GAH! -- mad at -- DAMMIT!! GOD DAMMIT!! -- us, you know. We must be civilized -- YOU CHEAT!!! BASTARD!!"

The Princess pouted and draped herself over the balcony railing, sulking at the injustice of the world. Somewhere down below, paparazzi were busy taking photos of her. The next day, the photos appeared under the headline "PRINCESS UPSET OVER STATE OF CONFLICT BETWEEN COUNTRIES" and there was a great deal of misguided admiration for the princess.

The princess, of course, took no heed of it and turned to the page with Calvin and Hobbes instead.

To Be Continued...

Politicians and felines in the next update!

The Randomest Fairytale Never Told 2

(For Even Better Reasons Than The First One)

Galvea's Note:

Wow, nobody likes characters with proper descriptions and names? I'm so depressed. I think I'll go squat in a corner and start drawing circles with my finger now.

In a neighbouring country 29893029012910 steps away from Princess's castle, there was a prince. He was a TDH, which was the country lingo for Tall, Dark and Handsome (it should be noted, however, that in Princess's country, it stood for Toady and Disgustingly Homeless). He was charming, he was intelligent, he was suave and he was RICH. His fanclub had 2.7 million members and consisted of females, males, and everything else in between. He was just that good.

Unfortunately, the perfect prince had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny flaw.

He had a deathly hatred (and fear, though he would never admit it) for the female half of the world's population.

He absolutely loathed girls, especially the screaming, glomping "OMG-I-love-you-MARRY-ME!!" kind. THEY WERE EVIL. Evil evil EVIL. There was a time when he tolerated them and merely suspected they were retarded (or at least kind of stupid), but after the life scarring event in which he stumbled across the sale of his missing undergarments and half-eaten cheesecake on eee!bay, he was oh-so-definitely-sure all double X chromosome beings were oh-so-definitely-evil.

He wanted revenge.

To Be Continued...

Yes, I have absolutely no idea where this story is going. Ahahaha.

The Randomest Fairytale Never Told

(And For Good Reason, Too)

Galvea's Note:

Okay, I know a lot of you are very upset with the lack of description (and names) for my characters in Valentine and White Day. To make up for it, here's a brand spanking new story with everything you ever wanted (and didn't).

Once upon a time, there was a princess. A really OMG beautiful princess. She had skin as fair as an albino cheesecake and a tanned complexion as lovely as chilled espresso mocha with sugar (one teaspoon) and cream (two). Her long, beautiful, amazingly straight hair was the talk of several galaxies. It was funeralattire!black, curled like a golliwog's, and was all pretty and shiny and glowed like radioactive substances. She had gorgeous amethyst eyes as green as chocolate chip cookies. When she laughed, her pearly teeth sparkled and when she merely smiled, everyone rejoiced because less people went blind.

Her name... was Princess. With a capital 'P'.

To Be Continued...

Cliffhanger. Or not.

On Dealing with Felines

So, what do you do when your connection's on the fritz, your d/ls aren't moving and you're bored stiff? Blog about cats, of course! Pass the boredom around, folks!

Anyway, let me start by introducing my extended family.

Fifi: My oldest cat, and quite possibly senile. I'm not sure, and I don't think it warrants an in-depth investigation. Her real name is Jenivea, but it got shortened to Fifi. I know what you're thinking, but Jenivea is a pretty complicated name for a 7 year old, okay? Will be 12 years old this year, has trouble differentiating directions and tends to just stop and sleep whenever she gets tired, which is usually about 5 paces from her cage...

Chan-boy: My second oldest cat, and only about 4 years old. I think he might be sort of.. mentally challenged. Was once a really cute kitten, now looks like the Devil's incarnate. In human standards, I tend to think of him as a really pathetic jobless guy in his thirties still living in his mom's basement and trying to get laid. No, really. He's THE most perverted cat I've ever seen. Hits on all the other cats, regardless of gender or age. I think he's either bi or chronically confused. Also, his real name was Tidus (pronounced Tea-da), which became Tidus-chan, which in turn became Chan-boy. Don't. Ask. I now absolutely refuse to connect him with the main character of FFX.

Kira: The eldest among his siblings. Named after the main character of Gundam SEED because I swear he was the spitting image of him when he was still a kitten. Of course, he looks completely different now, and I'm still wondering HOW that happened. My mom thinks he's ugly, my sis thinks he looks like a monkey, but I think he's pretty good-looking. Of course, this could just be the Kira fangirl in me speaking, but either way I absolutely refuse to equate Kira to an ugly monkey. Enjoys sitting outside my door in the mornings and creating a huge racket till I get up and let him in. After I let him in, he explores my room, sniffs around, and then sits in front of my door creating a huge racket till I kick him out. Usually ends with me throwing him out yelling "What the hell did you want to come in for then?!". Amazingly enough, I still let him in every. single. time. Damn cat just won't shut up if I don't.

Cookie: Younger sibling of Kira's. She has a huge appetite, and eats almost everything and anything. Seems to like refined carbs a lot (read: breads and cookies). Named Cookie because of her mish-mash of cookie colours, but apparently your name can and will influence your character. Mother of 5, and currently pregnant.. again.

Rikku: Youngest sibling. Named after Rikku from FFX, but shares none of her personality traits, as far as I know (which is a good thing). Currently the mother of 4, and seems to have finally snapped from post-natal stress. Goes berserk sometimes, pouncing on air and dashing after invisible mice. I don't blame her -- her kittens aren't exactly angels. Like all mother cats, she enjoys prying open drawers and cupboards and crawling inside. I'm still not sure whether they do that to find suitable places to hide their kittens, or whether they're just trying to hide from their kittens.

Lao Da: Eldest among his siblings, an offspring of Cookie's. His name literally means "eldest among siblings". That was his temporary name when they were still kittens, and we never got around to changing it. Incredibly affectionate and enjoys being cuddled, which is incredibly rare among felines. Readily responds to his name, which is also very rare. I like to think that his affection for us comes from all the milk we fed him when he was still a mere kitten. Honestly, I've never seen a kitten enjoy getting bottlefed as much as he does. Eats everything and anything, even more so than his mother, Cookie. Vegetables, tofu, curry, mee -- EVERYTHING.

Er Bao: Second in line. His name means "second treasure", but can also mean "hungry and then full", which suits him very well. He is quite possibly the FATTEST cat I've ever had. Ever. Incredibly lazy as well. If you see him sleeping on the kitchen floor in the morning, chances are he'll still be there sleeping in the evening. Also seems to be the only cat making full use of the sofas -- all the other cats prefer to sleep on tables or on the floor, which is mildly puzzling. Surely a sofa is much more comfortable than any of those? Felines think in mysterious ways...

Jumbo: Third in line. Used to be twice as large as his siblings, hence his name. I say "used" because we later sent him to a pet shop, which turned out to be A Very Big Mistake. I pestered my mom about it and we brought him back a month later. By then he was half the size of his elder siblings. Still, we kept his name for old times' sake. Now appears to be in good shape, though half of his coat of black fur seems to have turned white, which is very, very odd to look at. I keep having the most bizarre urge to pluck out the white strands of fur, and I did, just once, and was immediately enlightened on what Jumbo thought of that. Moral of the story: Always respect a cat's opinions.

Xiao Bao: Youngest sibling. His name literally means "smallest treasure", and I don't have a witty pun for it, which is a shame. Isn't as affectionate as the others, but enjoys, and I repeat, ENJOYS running across my keyboard at every opportunity. I swear, this cat is deliberately trying to crash my computer or something. He's also very difficult to track during the day. I think there must be some sort of cat pub in my neighbourhood or something, where all my cats hide in when the time comes to put them back in their cages. They then proceed to hang out there and get wasted, only staggering home in the wee hours of the morning to get their fill of cat food and then crash somewhere to sleep. My mom tends to get very disgusted with their behaviour, saying that they treat our house "like a hotel". I'm inclined to agree, but hey, they're cats.

The 4 kittens: The latest addition to the increasingly chaotic feline household. They look like little grey tigers, which is pretty darn adorable. One of them has a really prominent "v" marking on his forehead. I'd call him "Sailor V", but Sailor V's very much female and I don't wanna know how that's gonna mess him up in the future. Best not to go there. They're now at the stage where they keep running around, meowing for no apparent reason and generally just annoying the heck out of me. Whoever invented the Energizer Bunny has evidently never had the pleasure of experiencing 4 hyperactive kittens doing what they do best.

My advice on dealing with felines?

When it comes down to it, the one with retractable claws will always win.